HE WHO LIVES IN A GLASS HOUSE COATED WITH ADAMANTIUM SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO THROW STONES



The insane fear of dogs has been my plight for a long time although it still exists but on a minimal level.Theoretically incapable of explaining my morbid fear of dogs.

When I was much younger I was scared of our dogs and always ran into the house like a stranger when the dogs ran towards me. Our first dog’s name was Roxy; she wasn’t the scariest of all dogs. She was a beautiful Alsatian breed which I liked but was still scared of. I wasn’t a sissy because I could have beaten any small dog that crossed my path but if the mother appeared, I would have called it a day for the little dog.

This story happened at a tender age when playing around other children was the priority after school, during school and before school. I liked to swing on the playground to be specific. Ajebutter kids called it swing while Ajepako children called it jangilova. school was fun at that age not the devil in disguise now. I always looked forward to the madness and unseen fun of the next day. Teachers were happy to see pupils in schools, putting up happy facial gestures even when everything wasn’t going their way at that period. I loved playing the police and thief game. I always tried to be the daddy in the daddy and mummy game.

I had a family friend whose name was Maria; our parents had known each other before we were born. I played at Maria’s house which wasn’t too far but a walkable distance from my house. We were friends and she always wanted to be my wife when we played the daddy and mummy game. Maria was fair in complexion and was pretty.
It was a Friday afternoon after school when my only goal for the hours left in the day was to play. Hurriedly removed my school uniform as I wore a pair of faded jeans and a green shirt to Maria’s house. Maria had two Rottweiler dogs which were locked up in a cage at the back of her house. I always tried my best not to pass by the cage as we played although when I passed the cage, the dogs always started barking like they had seen a ghost. I knew I was black but when lighter Igbo people passed by the cage, they never barked. I guess the dogs were tribalists and were probably Ojukwu’s in 1967. We played the daddy and mummy game that afternoon and I was the daddy with Maria as my wife. We had four children
Unfortunately for us that day it started drizzling but we were happy we had played for hours before it started. The other children left, leaving Maria and I alone to play. We then sat on chairs and talked about our likes and dislikes. Suddenly I felt something soft drill slowly into the lower part of my face. Apparently was Maria’s lips which she used to peck my left cheek. My brain flew to Jupiter and back in less than two seconds. I had seen what she did in movies but had never experienced it. My lips unable to bring forth words which left me buffering like YouTube videos with bad network connection. My head turned left as I looked at her without words from my mouth and my brain processing them like windows XP. She then asked if I was okay which I said I was. Gently stood up as I left her house that evening feeling like the champion of the world. I smiled unnecessarily on the road like a mad man. As I got home I started moving my body to all the songs played on the television, gradually started jumping and doing stunts I couldn’t have done on a normal day

“I think Maria’s peck made me good at dancing”
That evening my parents wanted to take me to the hospital because they thought I was insane. I danced and told them everything was all right but they looked at me with the impression something had happened. I slept like a baby that night and had good dreams with unicorns and rainbows in them. Woke up the following morning like a king, took my bath and brushed for almost two hours. Finished my Saturday chores faster than flash. Wore my Christmas cloth that afternoon to Maria’s house. I dressed the best way I could; Maria’s house was filled with children which made me mumble
“All of you wan spoil my show today but my God no go allow una”
I was cooler than usual that day and didn’t take part in the daddy and mummy game because I knew I was the real daddy behind closed doors. I overheard Maria tell a girl of how she liked tall guys which made me a bit jealous. That evening a perfect smile appeared on my face because I knew all the kids were leaving except Maria and I. the pecking started instantly with me shouting at the top of my voice in my mind “I don hammer”. The level of seen insanity reduced that evening in the house. Looked up at my mum in the kitchen then said “mummy cook all the beans in the house, I want to eat everything”. My mum looked at me with the facial gesture like a mad person just spoke and said “okay” which magically put a smile on my face. The aim of eating beans to get taller was my priority that night. My plate of beans finished the second my mum handed it over to me leaving me devising tactics to steal my brother’s portion. The following day was a Sunday with church a compulsory place to be in. immediately the church service ended, my mind was already in Maria’s house unknowingly for me that it was going to be a totally different day. It was one o’clock in the afternoon with me thinking of the best place to be. The sound of my dad’s voice was what I heard “where are you going to Mide” then I said “I am going to Maria’s house, we have assignments to do from school” he afterwards said “but the two of you don’t attend the same school”

I was short of words and pondered on the lie to tell “just go “he said which made me happy as I ran out. The security man at Maria’s house said she wasn’t at home and had gone to plait her hair. The patient dog eats the fattest bone right? I sat outside and waited for her for three hours. Hunger fell upon my little stomach as I decided to go home to eat then return back to the patience zone. Ran home and ate beans, on my way back as I entered the house still running to the backyard to begin the routine. I saw one of Maria’s dogs unchained and not in a cage. My heart paused for a second; leaving me with no good thought of how the tribalistic dog was going to bite my whole body. I moved back slowly, thinking of the best way to run without the dog biting me, I started running like a mad man with me shouting as I got outside the gate where people were going to see me
“E gba me ooooo
Aja fe ge mi je oooo
To ba ge mi je
O ma fun mi ni rabisi ooo”
Few minutes of running made me tired as I could move no more. Finally fell on the ground but quickly sat up as I saw the dog reduce its speed drastically. It wanted to majestically bite me. The dog was big, black and scary. The confusion of choosing either to pray to God or beg the dog was my plight which made drops of tears roll down my eyes slowly. It opened its mouth to show me its teeth which made me more scared. The moment when its teeth was close to my leg which it was going to bite, my stomach rumbled and I farted loudly. The dog looked at me with a disgusting stare, tilted its head backwards and ran away. The gladness in my heart was beyond comprehension as I dusted my cloth and walked home.
The following day was a Monday and a debate went on in my head arguing on if I should go to her house or not, the side supporting the motion for my visit won. Ate enough beans and was conscious not to fart in class because my fellow pupils might have died. I saved the fart for the dog and was ready to send it to the grave to meet Ojukwu.
That afternoon my heart pounded as I walked slowly to the backyard to see Maria. There was no sight of any of the dogs which made me smile, the next thing I saw pierced my heart like Jon Snow fans in the fifth season’s finale of Game Of Thrones. Rubbed my eyes to see if I wasn’t dreaming. Maria was French kissing Felix; he was the tallest boy in her school. They couldn’t see me but I could see them. Maria had used my heart to play fruit ninja, turned back slowly and went home.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Since that day I vowed to kill all the Maria’s in the world. I have killed six now, practically shot them in my mind. Statistically thanks to Google I have a million more to go.

Translation
“E gba me ooooo
Aja fe ge mi je oooo
To ba ge mi je
O ma fun mi ni rabisi ooo”

“Help me
A dog wants to bite me
If it bites me
It would give me rabies”

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